Lost and Found by Felicia Tan

A Mother’s Memoir on Finding Faith Through Loss

This is the second book in the series. The first book was about the initial miscarriage. This book is about the second miscarriage. Thankfully, there were many strong people by my (Felicia) side who gave me strength. The book seeks to help other pregnant women. Hopefully, others will gain strength from her experience and learn to overcome difficulties. She is the only Christian in her family.

What are your goals? Mine was to get pregnant and deliver a child. The plan was to try In-vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment. The Frozen Embryo Transfer procedure would be used. My dad had to insert stents in his heart. Thankfully it was in the early stage. The whole family took good care of him. I needed to recover my health. My first book was finally released in print. My sister’s wedding happened soon after. I had a younger sister. This was my 8th year of marriage and I am still longing for a child. Many of my friends wanted advice on the IVF treatment. This was all after my first miscarriage.

I met up with my ex-colleague and there was an outpouring of emotion at the joy of seeing her. When was my turn to find happiness? I visited a friend’s church whose pastor’s name was Pastor Dominic Yeo, the same as that of my first child. Without hesitation, I signed up to participate in the cell group. Many were curious about my first miscarriage. My hubby and I spent much money on preparation of my body for implantation. I explained to my husband that I had converted to being a Christian. 1 of the frozen embryos didn’t survive but we had two more. Each IVF cycle is draining. However, we had to start afresh because of poor blood test results. Frequently, I blogged about my journey through pregnancy. The strength of my social relationships kept me going. I ventured ahead with the third cycle.

The nurse wanted to pray for me. Many of those in the same situation as me had kids. Will it finally be my turn? There was always a new chance at motherhood. I didn’t want to give up anytime soon. I kept thinking about Dominic and wondered whether I would have written the book had he been born. I am a graphic designer by training. This episode was something that I wanted to share with others. A hospital is also a place where newborns are created. It was revealed that 2 of my embryos were of very good quality. In church, I read stirring verses that kept me going. I was overjoyed in learning that I was pregnant again. It was suspected that I was having twins. It was confirmed that I was carrying twins. A pregnant woman must adjust their diets to take care of the unborn child.

It was time for the cervical cerclage. (Cervical cerclage is a stitch done at the cervix to prevent its premature opening before 37 weeks of pregnancy, so as to reduce the risk of a miscarriage due to an incompetent cervix) Soon the procedure was over. My typical day then was filled with plenty of rest. After having some swelling, I rushed to seek a doctor’s help. I headed to the A&E section without delay. Thankfully it was just a false alarm and I got discharged. It was time for the full baby scan. There was a balloon effect at the top of my cervix. The babies’ organs were functioning well. I hoped my cervix would hold up till the full term.

I was bleeding from my cervix. The stitch had broken. There was still hope for pregnancy. I was still fighting for a chance that my kids would survive. There were clear signs of infection and the gynae prescribed painkillers. I would enter labour really soon. The first baby would be unlikely to survive. I was also on an anti-biotic drip. I was having contraction pains again. The first baby was in the delivery position and I had to push. There was no crying sound directly after the birth and all I saw was a pool of blood. The second one would be arriving soon. The second child, Louis, was still moving. I started sobbing uncontrollably. My sister-in-law was nice and helped me out during this difficult period. I was about to be discharged soon. Many of my friends and relatives came to visit me. After the incident, I wondered what exactly went wrong during the procedure. The twins didn’t make it and I didn’t last up to 22 weeks of pregnancy. Now, I felt down and depressed. Life had no meaning. I had already lost 3 babies in a year.

Confinement also was not an easy period for me. I needed painkillers. My babies were being cremated. They were gone. A part of me wanted to go to Heaven now. I needed closure to my situation. I had incompetent cervix issues and could not implant two embryos. My cervix was weaker than others. There was another procedure known as the transabdominal cerlage (TAC) which had a higher success rate. Now, we decided to go for the stitch. The pastor told me to continue to have faith. It was nice being back at church. I was inspired by one of my church members and how warm she was towards her family. It was my husband who encouraged me to write this book. The service provided by nurses of private hospitals were top-notch. Thankfully, the medical bills were claimable.

There would be no baby shower. I had to undergo physiotherapy to regain strength. I didn’t believe I could truly get rid of the pain for the loss of 3 babies. There was still a glimmer of hope that I was clinging on to. The plan was to go for TCM treatment to get my health back. The plan was to arrange the house and exercise more and try to naturally conceive. Was I creating or taking lives away? Blood ties run the deepest. To the specialist, TAC was an outdated method which was more risky. The doctor didn’t know how to answer my query. The other specialist recommended that I go for more pre-checks first. I never rally considered adoption because they were not my own. It is always better to have your own child. Many kind souls out there tried to link me up with valuable information. The good book became a good talking point. My sister was in labour as well. Luckily, everything went well through a C- section. I managed to overcome the fear of approaching a dog. The next few weeks were normal and I was feeling happier.

Learn to show sympathy. Do not do the following: (1) Ignore; (2) Devalue the loss; (3) Using flowery phrases; 4(Giving advice); (5) Setting expectations; (6) Lying about facts; (7) Comparing; (8) Attempting to explain; (9) Suggesting suppressants. The book also recommends exercises for pregnant mothers. Resistance training (1) increases bone density; (2) Improves metabolic efficiency; (3) Positive gains in the frail elderly; (4) Improves stroke-related disabilities; (5) Fight against depression.



One thought on “Lost and Found by Felicia Tan

  1. Pingback: Book Review | Felicia Tan's Blog

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