The Man’s Guide to Women by John Gottman (Part 2)

Part 4: Making Love to a Woman

Image is Everything (Understanding How Women View Their Bodies). A female has a complex relationship with her body. Men like it for its curves and how soft it is. Men never get sick of it. A hero will compliment her on her looks and body. In addition, learn to compliment her if she dresses well. Women view a lot of advertisements every day. These advertisements show what typical beauty should be like. Most women have a painful relationship when they look in the mirror. Tell her: you are beautiful no matter what you wear. A female sees herself as part of her body. If she thinks she is ugly, she is not going to feel good. Media also says that looks don’t last forever. Women have too many clothing choices. You should never criticize the way she looks. Her self-esteem is closely tied to how she looks. You can make her feel beautiful in your eyes. Being thin is not everything. Women like to feel that they are fertile. There was a point in time when eating disorders were very common. Some men also hate their bodies too. This is not just common with women. Men are concerned about their penis size. A woman has to feel desirable. What can you do with a body to excite her? A joke about her weight can affect her emotionally. Do not suggest that she go on a diet or exercise.

Her Body is a Wonderland (An Anatomy Lesson). Touch a woman’s erogenous zones. You must know her mind and heart. You need to ignite her mind first. It is not possible to fake an orgasm. She is responsible for her own sexual pleasure. Understand the basic female anatomy. Her sexual organs have been mysterious. The G-spot, the clitoris, the A-spot and the U-spot are all difficult to locate. Mons Veneris is usually covered with hair and is the padded area on top of a woman’s pubic bone. Labia means lips (there is a labia majora and labia minora). When she is aroused, her labia can get aroused. The clitoris is small and difficult to locate. It is extremely sensitive and full of nerve endings. This is the best part to stimulate. A Hero will be able to find it. The G-spot can make her wild. The A-spot and U-spot are less commonly known. The A-spot is called the anterior fornix erotic zone. You must enjoy her from head to toe. Stroking her hair or kissing her lips, touching her neck etc can get her aroused. Learn to make passionate love to her. If you can’t find the clitoris, ask for help.

Becoming Her Best Ever. A primer on passionate sex. You have to be a hero in the bedroom. Animals like to engage in sex quickly, without much pleasure. The male porcupine keeps stroking the female’s face so that quills come down before they can make love. The male will not get injured this way. The male porcupine is a hero. Use indirect strategies to ask for sex. Men think more about sex than women. Not many men have a requirement before they are willing to engage in sex. Gay couples have a lot more sex than lesbians. Even after menopause, many females can still have sex and there is no decrease in sexual pleasure. Sometimes, a woman can have a stronger sex drive than a man. Many initiations for sex are non-verbal in nature. The bottom line is to just ask her for sex. There is a 75% chance she will say yes if she is feeling safe. Do not be angry if she rejects you. If she feels pain, stop touching her immediately. These might be areas of enduring vulnerabilities and you need to respect those boundaries. You need to be close and connected to the lady. Casual sex is just mutual masturbation and it isn’t great. For women, interest does not spell desire. You need to connect the mind and heart. Forget whatever you whatever porn you have seen. Porn addiction can interfere with your sex life. Making love is both an art and a science. Women can reach orgasm fairly quickly. Sex is supposed to be fun for the both of you. Everything you do, even how you kiss her matters. Create the sense of anticipation and foreplay necessary. Dopamine kick starts in your brain. You will have the sense of anticipation of a reward. Look passionately and lovingly into a woman’s eyes. Remember to smile more. When you smile, think about her and be genuine about it. Everything positive for you in a form of foreplay. Avoid giving kisses which are too wet. Kissing her neck is sexy. If she bares her neck, it is a sign of major interest. Her nipples are an erogenous zone too. Do not flick it. Breasts are to be cherished. Apply light and delicate touches. Use your finger to awaken her breasts. It is best to go in with a gentle approach. There is no sexual routine to follow. Oral sex can be very pleasurable. Use your tongue to roll her clitoris and this will drive her crazy. Keep your teeth away. Your tongue and lips should do the job. Use your hands to touch her breasts and nipples. Enter her vagina with your fingers and arouse her sensitive spots. Slowly move your penis inside her. Tease and tempt her. Understand the rhythm which she is comfortable with. Experiment with different positions like the missionary position. Some people like the woman to be on top. Only 25% of women can experience orgasm through intercourse also. A sex toy may be able to help her. However, do not simply focus on getting her an orgasm. Most of them must have at least some clitoral stimulation. If the man is on top, it is harder. Make sure your nails are not sharp or you will hurt her. If her nostrils flare, she is enjoying it. Men tend to want to fall asleep after ejaculating. Even after sex, the woman wants to be held and stroked. Hold her. Becoming best buddies with her clitoris. Pleasure understand that sex is not like porn.

It’s one of the best things about sex: What’s good for her is good for you, and what’s good for you is good for her. – John Gottman

Look into her eyes. Kiss her deeply. Run your fingers lightly up and down her body. Don’t rush. Experience her desire. – John Gottman

If you are not multiorgasmic, after you come you will have a refractory period during which all the pleasure and prayers in the world are not going to get you erect again. The average refractory period for all men is typically a half hour. – John Gottman

Part 5: Living With a Woman

Learn to fight like a girl. Understanding women and conflict. There are rollercoasters to every relationship. Men want less fighting. It is important to learn to manage conflict. She wants a good listener. Problem solving is secondary to a lady, whereas it might be primary for a man. There is no place for shock and awe. Conflicts might break out from time to time. Conflicts are arise from anything at all. Men handle anger differently. Female hate a sense of injustice. You need to do your fair share of work. Women tend to stay angry longer and use indirect aggression. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. Women don’t like the feeling of being powerless. Usually when you quarrel, your heart rate goes up. It is difficult to communicate well in this state. What can you do when you are emotionally flooded? The trick is to breather and count to 10. This is a way of soothing yourself. The other strategy is to take a break, not take flight. You can continue the conversation, say, 30 minutes later. Men maintain vigilance and physiological arousal for long periods. Often when you are flooded, you don’t feel a sense of empathy for her. Females can resolve and engage in calm and self-soothing behavior more easily. Women prefer to talk things out whereas men prefer to flee. During your break, you need to detach yourself from everything and takes at least 20 minutes. The trick is to do something else like reading a magazine. Domestic violence stems from the fact that people don’t calm down. Create a break ritual in the middle of a conflict. A Hero will try and understand what the complaint is about. Ask the following questions: What do you need? What are you concerned about? What are you feeling? Women are looking out for trustworthiness. You must always listen to her. Try to avoid getting aggressive. Conflict happens even in the best of times.

Why Does it take so long to buy a pair of shoes? Understanding the Evolutionary Importance of Shopping. Vast majority of women like shopping. In the past, people foraged for food and females did so too. The men hunted while the women gathered. Men shop only for specific items he needs. He also likes to be efficient and determined in looking for something. After his purchase, he goes home straightaway. Females tend to have better memories than males. For instance, they can better remember the items to buy. There are also shops where men can wait while women do their shopping. A lady is usually judged based on how she looks. She needs to be clothes-conscious. Shopping, therefore, even matters more to a woman than to a man. Understand that shopping is in their DNA. It is for them, an expression of their creativity.

Best Friends Forever. Understanding Women and Friendship. Usually, you will get to know her friends too. Men aren’t that close to their friends as compared to women. Women still need social from other women. Socially isolated people suffer more than others. Men need a woman to stay alive. Therefore, you must allow her space so that she can nurture such relationships. Females have better affiliation systems than males. Befriending others releases oxytocin, which lowers the stress response. Women rely on social support. These matter too as it can influence your own relationship too. Best friends aren’t just for girls. Do not be jealous about the attention she gives to her friends.

You can attune with your partner night and day, and this is great for the relationship, but women still need the company of other women and the support that goes along with it. – John Gottman

Interestingly, what determined whether men would die younger was whether or not they were married, whereas for women it was their friendships with other women that determined their longevity. – John Gottman

The answer is that even the best of relationships can’t give a woman everything she needs. The quality of your friendship is important to your relationship, but the quality of her friendships with other women is also important to your relationship. – John Gottman

Part 6: Loving a Woman for a Lifetime

Is She the One?  Understanding Women and Commitment. Everyone has to go through the stages of love and got to get to know each other. You will still have ups and downs. You can’t force commitment. Men also want commitment as well. Most of them like meaningful and committed relationships. The first stage of love is lust. You keep thinking about her and how great she looks etc. However, the problem with this is that you might ignore red flags in the relationship. In the second stage of relationships, you see the red flags. Find someone to care for your offspring. Sometimes, arguments might set in. She wants to learn and know that you are trustworthy indeed. The third stage is about building loyalty and commitment. A men performs at his best when he has someone beside him. She must make you feel wonderful. Do you feel at home with her? Do you feel like your best self? More alive, more joyful and more adventurous? It is not necessary to completely share the same interests. If she has a completely opposite view on children as compared to you, it isn’t likely that she is the one. Men need stronger relationships too. Marriage confers health and longevity benefits. It is also important to find an educated female. Men who are single tend to drink more and engage in bad health habits.

Mother Nature. Men often want to witness the delivery of their child. It is important to support the woman in her journey through motherhood. Being present matters a lot. It is an awesome sight to behold. It isn’t easy to become a father. Women definitely want their children to thrive. Each time your wife strokes her baby, her oxytocin levels increase. Learn to develop a bond with your baby

Ensure you take care of her needs. You need to understand a woman’s relationship with her child or you will never understand her well. Men are now taking the role of nurturing babies. Now, dad has to play the role of caregiver too. Fathers like to play with babies too. When the kid is young, they usually choose the dad as play partners. The role of play cannot be under-estimated. Fathers also give room for the infant to explore. A dad must never be seen to be ‘absent’. Mothers also like their husbands to parent the kid. A father certainly plays an important role. Many men feel tied down once they have a kid. They complain that there is no more adventure in their life. Taking care of a child can be very rewarding indeed. Mother love is a force of nature. Men must do their fair share of the work.

The best predictor of the empathy of the child was how involved the dad was when the child was 5 years old. The more involved the dads, the more empathic the kids. – John Gottman

Staying Together (Loving a Woman for a Lifetime). Einstein was clueless when he came to ladies. How do you keep her happy for a lifetime? Do not give her a list of demands. Never think you are Mr Know it all. Never ever stop dating her. Learn to be vulnerable. Trust is the backbone to the relationship. Trust is associated with a sense of safety and loving. Avoiding conflict is also bad. If you avoid conflict, the relationship slowly drifts apart. Cracks in a relationship can form and the house will eventually topple. You must always turn towards your partner. Kiss her goodbye for 6 seconds at least. It builds passion and romance. Make time at least once a week for date night. Plan and prepare for it. Think of new things and places to visit and go. Get to know her better even though you may already know her well. Appreciate the small things in life. Honor her dreams and relationships. You must support her in achieving her goals. You never want your woman to feel lonely in a relationship. Cherish and embrace her.

Compliment her, thank her, admire her, show her with your words and your actions that you love and value her. Tell her she is beautiful. Let her know you desire her. Do something nice for her. – John Gottman



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