Do Over (Make Today the First Day of Your New Career) by Jon Acuff (Part 2)

Win the Way You Won Before. We have definitely picked up skills in the past. Ask yourself what skills did you learn in the past? It need not be work skills only. What were the circumstances that conspired in your favour? You might have an audience to drive your development of the skill. Sometimes, you could have been pressured by a tight deadline. Find a new crowd you share your skill with. You could devise a reward system once you have attained a particular skill. Set a countdown on your phone to motivate yourself to do something, it could be 60 minutes or something. Don’t be afraid to devise new methods in your pursuit of new skills. Learn the strategies employed in the past to help you improve and give yourself a better chance at success. Never reinvent the wheel and always learn from your past.

Kick-Start Your New Skills with Something Fun. You can learn by necessity or curiosity. Necessity are related to work skills. Curiosity is more borne out of desire. Both types of skills are important for us. A smarter approach is to start with something fun. Developing a curiosity skill is more fun and easier than a necessity skill. Keep it simple. You only need time and knowledge at the start. Time and knowledge are more accessible than money, time, gear. You can research about it for free on the Internet. You need to make time for learning your skill too. You must decide exactly when do you want to learn it. Macro means printing out next month’s calendar. You will realize that you have more time than you think. Fear likes to tell you that you don’t have enough time. Learn to utilize your time well and in a fruitful manner. The micro is exactly which days and how many hours you will use to hone your skill. What’s consuming your calendar daily? Start your day with what matters most and that will help you the most. Work on your skill before other things get in the way. Who will help you learn this new skill? Skills are no exception. It is more fun to learn with a friend. Someone should track your progress. This person should ask you for updates on a regular basis. Check in twice a week.

If you really want to learn something, you have to decide when you are going to do it. Otherwise, you dramatically reduce your odds of actually doing it. – Jon Acuff

Days are like snowballs rolling down a hill. I don’t care how perfectly you’ve planned it, something unexpected is going to get picked up as your day rolls down the slope. – Jon Acuff

An accountability partner you only contract when you are winning isn’t an accountability partner, it’s a cheerleader. – Jon Acuff

Learning a new skill doesn’t have to be miserable, especially if you start with something fun and easy. – Jon Acuff

Skills Get Sharp Slowly and Dull Quickly. Skills will go dull if not used frequently. If you are writer, you should write daily. Once you get lazy, it will be hard to kick-start the habit again. At that time, you need motivation from friends to kick you to start again. The hardest competition you’ll ever face. The key for sportsmen is to be disciplined and do the same time every day of the week, even during off season. Learn to outsmart yourself. There is a problem with first times. First times should be the worst experience. Every time you start a new job, the skills you learn in your previous job are not useless. For every repetition you make, you should lay another brick in your foundation. You work best when skills become second nature to you. This will free up brain space for other things. If you discipline your life, it creates freedom in another. For instance, you could buy many sets of the same clothing. This will help you pare down your decision making. Your career is not shampoo. Nowadays, videos are big part of blogging. You must step into the tension of skills. Some skills cannot be simply put on autopilot, but should be on fighter pilot.

The more you can turn an important skill into a repeatable habit, the more you can trust the power of autopilot. – Jon Acuff

When you refuse to practice a skill today, it makes it harder to practice it tomorrow. Weeds of fear grow stronger the longer we wait to hustle. Get in the garden today. – Jon Acuff

Grab the Right Kind of Hammer for Your Career Ceiling. Do not build your cage. When you are stuck, you can choose to accept it or change it. Your skills will help you break ceilings. The ceiling is challenging you to break through it.

The father of every good work is discontent, and its mother is diligence. – Lajos Kassak

Should you ever stay at a bad job just because other people in your field don’t have a job? What are you really saying? That until everyone in your field is employed you can’t apply somewhere else? You can’t have another job until everyone else does? That doesn’t make any sense. – Jon Acuff

We build elaborate internal campaigns justifying where we are. We trick ourselves into thinking it’s someone else’s fault or that maybe it’s not so bad. It’s not a horrible job, it’s a good-enough job. If we stay there long enough, we eventually forget that we are even allowed to change. – Jon Acuff

I can’t tell you if in ten years I will have written five more books. But I can tell you that this year I will write one. I can’t tell you if in 10 years my blog will have 5 million readers, but I can write a new post today. – Jon Acuff

Investment 3: Character. Character is who you are. Character is the reason why people will give you another opportunity if you fail the first one. It is a pre-requisite for many things to come. Everything is personal in work. Character is impossible to ignore. Character will also determine your resilience to move things forward. Start planting your orchard and be generous and empathetic. People with bad character might win, but they may not last.

A talent is formed in stillness, a character in the world’s torrent. – Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Plant an Orchard. Character is a slow process and takes time to build. Character is like an orchard. The trees are the character traits and the weeds threaten to destroy your orchard. Which is one character trait that you want to develop? Ask a friend if you are clueless. Trust could be something you want to work on. Take a look at your whole orchard. I was addicted to chaos and busyness. However, if you like chaos, your character falls on the wayside. Write down the jobs you’ve had. Give a brief description of your job performance. List the way you left each job. Describe the strength of the relationships you left behind. Pull the weeds as fast as you can. Narcissism is a problem. Dishonesty is a horrible weed too. Pessimism is an issue too. Pessimism can grow and it can become a problem. Apathy is a big issue as well. Apathy cripples your ability to launch a career jump.

The future is purchased by the present. – Dr. Samuel Johnson

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. – Old Saying

Most destructive of all is that apathy cripples your ability to launch a career jump. No one who is apathetic has the energy or heart to try a positive, voluntary career transition. That entire quadrant is off the table when weeds like this have grown in your orchard. – Jon Acuff

Generosity is a Game Changer. We need to be generous as it can help us greatly in our careers. It helps to breed loyalty. People will support you if you have helped them before. Do not hesitate or hold back. Greed will cost you more than you think. Generosity is always cheaper than greed. Your generosity will pay dividends. It is for long term benefits. If you find that people are exploiting you, make sure you don’t have an itchy trigger finger. Learn to draw some boundaries. You can let the person learn from a painful experience. The worst case is to avoid them. Make your definition of generosity bigger. You can be generous with your time and skills. Ideally, you should be able to do something you are good at.

Service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will sustain us. – Rachel Naomi Remen

Before you make a Career Jump give generously of your time, talent and resources without keeping score. If you keep a record of who you’ve been generous to with the expectation that they’ll return the favor, you’ll build transactions not relationships. – Jon Acuff

Empathy, No Longer Just for People Who Like to Cry with Friends. You need to navigate with empathy. It means understanding someone else’s needs and acting on them. Most people are the same and they all have hopes, fears, dreams, frustrations. Having empathy allows to work with just about anyone. If you have empathy, you can do sales and sell stuff. Take time to know someone’s real story. You will understand that they might have undergone to get to where they are. Compassion is important. Fear is an amazing storyteller. Care about what the people you care about care about. Character is an orchard, it changes over time. You don’t have to quit your job to engage in a career jump, but you can do something positive and voluntary. Read less minds, ask more questions. Instead of guessing, learn to ask them directly. Simply showing up shows empathy. It doesn’t have to be big actions. Make people bigger. Ask questions to your colleagues like ‘What can I do to make you look like a rock star to your manager?’ Put someone’s needs ahead of your own. What to do when empathy is broken. Be honest and admit you were wrong sometimes.

Everybody has a story. When we don’t take the time to know someone’s story or worse, create our own version of it, we lose the chance to understand what they need, which is the first step to empathy. – Jon Acuff

Be Present. Showing up at your job is important. You have to deal with your phone, your computer, and your meetings. We use our phones way too often. If you are not present, your relationships might be threatened. When you use your phone, you are putting other people on pause. Be present with your computer. People might surf the Internet at work in their free time. We are all guilty of it. Do work while you’re at work. Be present in meetings. Learn to take notes. It is easier to hide behind a laptop by being old fashioned and taking down notes is easier. Ask at least one question during the meeting will help you to stay engaged. Turn your phone upside down. You could just not bring your phone to the meeting or something.

Never Jump without Character. You need character when you decide to chase a dream. Character helps you navigate through chaos of change. You can always rely on your character. You can’t completely eliminate chaos from your life. Over time, you get used to living with chaos. It’s time to hustle.

Investment: Hustle. We are more capable than we think. Hustle means hard work. It helps you to build on relationships, skills and your character. You don’t get anywhere without hard work. There is a thin line between hustle and hassle. Use grit, awareness and flexibility.

‘Music is in the piano only when it is played.’ Jack Gilbert

Grit is a Choice, Not a Feeling. You will feel a sense of apathy if you have given up on your dream. Grit is not fun or easy. You might have to stay up late to work hard etc. It can be ugly and messy. However, grit is a choice. You might ask, what if I don’t have what it takes? You don’t need some ultimate goal to work on Do Over. Fear will always discourage you from working hard and acting on your goal. Tell yourself that you have what it takes to try. We all get to try. What if I pick the wrong thing to hustle on and miss my opportunity? The thing about life is that you will have many opportunities that will come your way. Therefore, do not apply the once-in-a-lifetime label to things you face. Regret is much worse than fear. Which would you rather choose, fear or regret? Make grit decisions. Give your hustle some time to succeed. Counsel and lean on your relationships. Ask for awesome opportunities. Give yourself permission to be kind. Be honest to yourself. Build a grit list. It’s like running, I don’t like it but I put in on my Grid List due to the benefits I derive from it. Go with grit, don’t be most people. Don’t wait until you feel brave to hustle, choose to hustle until you feel brave.

I didn’t want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what it would have been like to do stand-up. – Steven Wright, Comedian

If you’re going to make new relationships, you need to have grit. If you’re going to learn new skills, you need to have grit. If you’re going to have strong character, you need to have grit. If you’re going to hustle, you need to have grit. – Jon Acuff

There’s no such thing as a perfect job. There’s no job where you get to do only the things you love doing. Those don’t exist. – Jon Acuff

There will be tasks, projects and activities you have to do in your career that you hate. No matter which stage you’re in, you’ll have to do some things you don’t love. That’s why we all need a Grid List, a short list of the skills we grit our teeth and do regardless of how we feel. – Jon Acuff

Hustle Has Seasons: Use Awareness to Recognize Them. Do not try to hustle at wrong points of your life. For instance, do not hustle on a holiday as you will not feel rested or recharged. You need to ask ‘what season am I in?’ Learn to focus. Hustle is a scalpel. Doing more action might not be the solution all the time. Do not hustle too much that you neglect your family etc. Instead of blaming your boss or colleagues, ask yourself ‘Did I expect this job to be something it never would be?’ It does not mean you are a failure. It just meets that you just took a wrong path and need to find a new one. Keep your head down and hustle on your work.

Be proactive about doing that in your own life. Work on your sense of awareness. Don’t wait for someone you love to call you out. – Jon Acuff

You don’t have to know the exact path, because nobody does, but are you roughly headed in the right direction? If you want to be a musician and you’re a pharmaceutical rep working 70 hours a week, not playing any music, stop kidding yourself. That path doesn’t lead to music. – Jon Acuff

Career Yoga. You need to spend time planning your day. Things rarely go according to plan. Hustling with flexibility is the best, as it leads to less disappointment. Be flexible with your dream. The work you end up loving might not even exist yet. You have to flexible about what you study as well. Your dream will change over your lifetime. Be flexible with your definition of success. Let new be different, not old. Humans love to idealize your past when our present doesn’t meet our expectations. Have fun storming the castle. Having fun is important as it helps you to get going and to push on. Having fun helps you to prevent burnout.

Always Use This to Multiply the Moment. Hustle offers you unexpected opportunities. Overcome your fear and learn to speak to a crowd. Say yes to small opportunities and learn to build from there.

Let no one be deluded that a knowledge of the path can substitute for putting one foot in front of the other. – Mary Caroline Richards

Hustle works those two ways. You hustle hard to stir up more opportunities. And then when you have one, you hustle hard to blow it up as large as it can possibly be. – Jon Acuff

Three Final Words You’ll Tell Me Someday Soon. Work can be more meaningful than we think. We have to change ourselves. We don’t get to pick a transition permanently. Your work is a lifestyle. Anyone can have a Career Do Over.

O you who sit over your full cup and do not drink, tell me, for whom are you still waiting? – Hermann Hesse

Five Amazing Benefits of Being Kind by William Wan

The Singapore Kindness Movement was founded in 1997 with the aim of building a kinder and more gracious society

There are 5 amazing benefits of being kind. They are:
1) Personal Happiness
2) Happy Families
3) Good Health
4) Success at Work
5) Kindness Begets Kindness

What is Kindness? It is about benefitting others without expecting anything in return. This is graciousness in action. Make a positive difference in someone else’s life. You can do simple things like hold a door for someone. Compassionate people who exhibit altruistic acts of service tend to have better life satisfaction and health. Doing nice things for people leads to a significant increase in people’s positive moods.

Personal Happiness. When you are kind towards others, dopamine, is released. This makes you feel good. Be kind and you will happy, be happy and you will be kind. Doing good over time will tend to lead to a friendly and joyful personality. This, in turn, makes you more attractive to others. Doing good deeds is also associated with better relationship satisfaction. Helping others bestows a sense of satisfaction. Learn to acknowledge your colleagues in your workplace.

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. – Dalai Lama

Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day. – H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Happy Families. Small acts of service are a way of showing affection for your partner. Kindness should start from the home. Talk about kindness in your dinner table. Write cards or notes of appreciation.

Strength of character may be learned at work, but beauty of character is learned at home. – Henry Drummond

Being considerate of others will take you children further in life than any college degree. – Marian Wright Edelman

Good Health. Being kind to others has mental benefits, due to the production of dopamine and endorphins. Your body produces oxytocin, the bonding hormone. This hormone protects your hear by lowering the blood pressure.

Success at Work. Kindness can create a healthier and more effective workforce. This helps to boost productivity. Employees who are happier then to go the extra mile and tend to be more engaged in their work. The work place culture indeed matters. Teamwork also becomes more fun and the work environment is more pleasant and welcoming.

Kindness Begets Kindness. We can make our society a better place. When we enjoy others act of kindness, we feel good and feel inspired to pass it on. Learn to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Understand their needs and desires. Do good, without expecting anything in return.

The very nature of kindness is to spread. If you are kind to others, today they will be kind to you, and tomorrow to somebody else. – Sri Chinmoy

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. – Scott Adams

 

Panel Discussion: Why Study Literature?

Why Study Literature? (15 March 2016)

This panel members comprised of Philip Holden, Loh Guan Liang, Tan Tarn How and Tan Chee Lay. The topic of discussion was ‘Why Study Literature?’ The hard truths are that there are less Singaporeans reading literature nowadays despite them believing that there are benefits associated it. Refer to this article on the StraitsTimes. The essential question to ask is ourselves is ‘Can literature even be taught and studied’? Does the Singapore education system support creative ways in teaching literature when there is heavy emphasis on grades? Can the two co-exist?

The current form of assessment in literature requires students to sit for exams and regurgitate facts. This might not be the way to get students interested in the subject. This is because studying for exams often requires memorizing and rote learning. Hence, students might be passive in their learning and not appreciate a sensitive reading of the text. The aim of a literature education is for students to be able to apply what they have learnt. This could be done via the introduction of creative writing in schools. Currently, the required readings in schools, like Shakespeare, might seem too advanced for certain segments of students. As a result, for those who do not have a strong English language proficiency, they might lose interest in literature altogether. This is certainly not ideal. Elements of English literature could be incorporated in the English language syllabus. In lower Secondary, literature should be taught in a fun way so as to pique student’s interest in literature. At this level, a portfolio-based assessment could be introduced. In upper Secondary, some form of examination is inevitable and students should be prepared for some level of rigour in assessment.

Literature is great because it teaches you that accuracy does not equate to the truth all the time. Reading is proven to improve grades in students. In addition, it is the great equalizer and a child from a not well-to-do family who reads widely might be able to break free from poverty via the knowledge attained from reading. In general, literature helps formulate better citizens and make them more tolerant and aware of conflicts that arise in the world. Literature opens your mind to different values, ideas and concepts out there. The beauty of reading fiction is that it enables one to live other people’s lives and see things from other people’s point of view. Asking why people like literature is akin to asking why do people sing, write, dance etc? Such a question is essentially asking something more fundamental: why is there is need for arts? Why are the art important? Singaporeans are known to lead materially comfortable lives but have not attained the level of human flourishing in order first-world cities. Most of us lead mundane drone-like lives, living from day-to-day. Do visit Tarn How’s blog on human flourishing here. Basically, people who like literature are covet rebels. They value self-expression and protest against the certain conflicts that exist in the world. They believe in the value of individuality and do not like to be told what to do. Chinese literature used to be huge in the 1920s, 1930s. However, it has taken a back seat in recent years and you can hardly find a Singaporean Chinese writing in the Chinese language. Despite this, the Writers’ association/Singapore Writers’ association are doing good work. Some of the community centres have also worked hard to compile Chinese short stories/poems written by Singapore Chinese into books.

How do you improve the situation? It would certainly be beneficial for people who like English literature to attend Chinese literature-related events and expose themselves to different cultures. Literature should transcend languages and should be viewed as one. To address the lack of readers/writers, the government could do more in the areas of funding translations works from other languages to English and vice versa. Books in the libraries could be arranged by themes instead of by different languages (current practice). This novel approach might encourage more people to read books in other languages. Views towards works that contain smatterings of Singlish could be viewed more favourably in future. It might even be feasible to introduce such works as literature text for students. The bifurcation of the study of the English language with English literature is a trans-national issue and other countries also battle this problem.

Making Marriage Simple by Harville Hendrix

Ten truths for Changing the Relationship You Have into the One You Want

The book will help you make your marriage better. Learn to create a new kind of marriage. Marriage is ever-evolving. Our ancestors often paired up. Marriage was arranged in the past to protect one another. It was not about love by any means. In the 18^th century, marriages started to be more about romance. It began something of a choice. Sometimes, one dominant partner can emerge and that can be a problem. Learn to build a partnership marriage. It is where both parties are free and equal. This is the ultimate dream among partners. Everyone can create this kind of relationship. Learn to practise the ‘Partnership Marriage’. Stick with transformation and do not give up too quickly. Practise the exercises in the book. The work doesn’t end after you say ‘I do’. Building a relationship is hard work. One person can shift the dynamics of a relationship.

Romantic Love is a Trick. Helen is Harville’s wife. The initial stages and dating stage of a relationship is often very great. You feel your heart beat fast and palpitate. You will always look forward to seeing each other again. Being apart feels unbearable. This romantic bliss doesn’t last though. Romantic Love rides off into the sunset. Once the person reveals their true colours, you will realize that things are not so rosy anymore. Agony replaces ecstasy at the start. People all have their good and bad character traits, even our parents. This is known as ‘Imago’. Initially, you will feel the sense of belonging. However, later on, you will feel upset that your needs aren’t met. This is known as ‘childhood’ wounding. Sometimes, parents can be overinvolved or under-involved. Both cases are not ideal. As a wife, I tended to be in too much control of the relationship. Sometimes, what you give is not what the other person wants. Understand what your childhood wounding is. Were you abandoned in the past? It is your unconscious mind that chooses your partner. Write down the frustrations you experienced in your childhood and compare it with those you have with your partner now. Talk about the similarities with your partner. A lot of the frustrations you have with your partner stem from what you went through in the past.

Romantic Love is the powerful force that draws you to someone who has the positive and negative qualities of your parents or caregiver. – Harville Hendrix

Incompatibility is Grounds for Marriage. Incompatibility may not be such a bad thing after all. Honestly, my wife and I are very different. Sometimes, I wish she was more like me. Do not use words like ‘You always’; ‘You never’. Do not keep believing that you are right. This is known as the power struggle. This will make your marriage interesting. However, this form of tension can make your relationship turn out for the best. Both couples are different based on 1) structure vs freedom & 2) how they handle stress. Spontaneity vs structure. It is important to be non-judgmental about your differences. When reacting to stress, there are basically the minimizers (keep things to themselves) and the maximizers (Hailstorm). Turtles like to be quiet and have their alone time. Hailstorms are more extroverted people. They like to cross things off their list. Some people just like to talk about their feelings. Hailstorms want your attention. The more you withdraw, the more the other party will hail. The key is to give each other sufficient space. You have the power to change. Turtles hate being analysed and getting blamed. Make it safe for your Turtle to emerge. Compliment them and show appreciation once in a while. Do not push them till they snap. When the hailstorm is shouting, please give them your full attention. Do not withdraw. If the turtle can become more like a hailstorm and vice versa, order can be restored. If you are facing a turtle, try not to do anything or you may attempt to praise them. To calm a hailstorm, ask ‘what might you be able to do for her?’

Conflict is Growth Trying to Happen. Conflict can be valuable. Don’t run away for it. You can reflect on matters with a new perspective. The Power Struggle is not a sign that you should give up on the relationship. Do not simply bail so easily. Bailing is a sign of weakness. Use conflict to jump start growth. Learn to express your emotions and not hold them back. Usually, when one ‘thinks’ and the other ‘feels’, conflicts will arise. Conflict can be used as creative tension. Give yourself permission to feel. Learn to connect your heart with your brain. If you are comfortable with your feelings, it is easier to connect with others too. Understand what is meant by the ‘Stretching Principle’. Growth is about requiring both partners to stretch. You can work on feeling and logic. Stretch so that you can reclaim parts of yourself. Write down what you loved about your relationship back then. Write down what you wish the relationship had. It is crucial to be able to grow new skills.

Often what we need most from our partner is what they are least capable of giving. – Harville Hendrix

Being Present for Each Other Heals the Past. It is important to heal each other’s childhood wounds. Help each other grow into adulthood. Name their wounds and how you might go about healing them. Learn to ask what the other party needs. Do not assume. Accept his answer. If someone is usually angry, it might have something to do with their childhood. If you are a doer, it might be hard for you to start to listen. Answer your call to be a healer. The key is to create a safe environment. Healing only happens in a safe environment. Both parties need to get healthy, not just one. Sending one to therapy may not work. There is something between the both of you in a relationship. It is not just empty air and space. Unspoken communication is part of this space. Do not criticize and blame. Make the space ‘holy’ in nature. Build your relationship on trust and caring. Share with your partner on what are the negative things that happen in your space.

’Being present’ means giving all of your attention to your partner in a caring, open-hearted way – really listening to what your partner thinks and feels. Just because someone is in the same room with you, or is even looking right at you, doesn’t mean they are present with you. – Harville Hendrix

It’s not What you Say; It’s HOW you Say It. Sometimes, couples like to talk at the same time and not listen to one another. How you talk is important. Although it is important to air your views, listening is crucial as well. Our culture does not reward people for listening. Mirror, Validate and Empathize. Learn to share what you appreciate about one another. To mirror, repeat exactly what was said. This is a form of clarification. Ask ‘Is there more?’ Validate means you get the other person’s point of view. Say ‘You make sense’. See things from their perspective. Dialogue will enable you to heal wounds. Dialogue is good because it slows you down.

Dialogue sustains and deepens connection. Dialogue is a structured way of talking and listening that builds connection between you and your partner. It is this connection that enables you to heal your childhood wounds. – Harville Hendrix

Negativity is Invisible Abuse. Body language can be negative in nature. Negativity makes your partner unsafe and uneasy. In society, we are rewarded for critical thinking. However, in a marriage, you shouldn’t use it. Some couples are very stubborn. They keep thinking they are right and refuse to give in. Competition is good, but it shouldn’t take place in your relationship. Once you feel superior to your partner, this is when competition arises. You should be an advocate in a relationship and not give constructive criticism unnecessarily. Become ‘negativity watchdog’ and watch when you are being negative. Learn to share appreciation. Appreciate your partner every day. Replace judgment with curiosity. Open yourself up to new ideas and perspectives. List down your partner’s physical characteristics. Share three new things that you appreciate everyday with your partner.

Negativity is a Wish in Disguise. Behind every negative thought is an unmet desire. It could be a wish in disguise. Use more ‘I’ statements when talking. Be brief and clear. Approach your partner only when they are calm. Do not criticize or blame. Use the BCR method (Behavior Change Request). 1) Ask for an appointment to discuss a frustration; 2) State the frustration briefly; 3) Ask for what you want. Asking for an appointment ensures that you catch them at the right time. State the frustration in a brief manner. Suggest things your partner can do to ease your frustration. Keep them SMART. Learn to be creative. Write down the suggestions your partner raises. Start small first. Tackle the small problems first. Follow through on what your partner says.

Your Brain Has a Mind of Its Own. Your brain is a wonder. The lower brain is spontaneous and does things on impulse. It is focussed on survival. The higher brain is more logical and rational. It is capable of higher level thinking etc. Do not let the lower brain take control of your life. It is important to focus on rational decision making. You can choose which part of your brain to use when responding with your partner. Stop to let your higher brain review the situation. Try to reason why people are doing certain things/actions all the time. Take a brisk walk to help calm down your lower brain. Respond but do not react. You can always learn to change yourself.

Your Marriage is a Laughing Matter. Sometimes, it is useful to be light-hearted over certain issues. Life is about who we are at the core. Our core is JOY. Human beings are wired for social connection. Assumptions can kill a marriage. Do not assume you know what the other person is thinking. It is important to know what gives your partner pleasure. Share what feels caring to her. Being open and telling each other is important. Ask if you don’t know what the love language of someone else is. Let your partner know your secret wishes. Caring Behaviors are important and you need to know what your partner values. Pick up on a random dropping and delight her. Oxytocin has been known to release stress. Fun has a lot of power. A couple can start by telling each other jokes. Write down all your caring behaviors.

Your Marriage is the Best Life Insurance Plan. Turtles or introverts can care deeply about people. Everyone hopes that their relationship can live long and prosper. Divorce might not be the best way to manage conflict. Helen and I divorced before we learnt about the tools. Now, people are more aware of the benefits of marriage. They are healthier, live longer and enjoy higher incomes. A healthy marriage confers a lot of benefits. It improves physical health. Children tend to thrive when they are under married parents. Married couples tend to manage their finances better. It means better financial security in old age for the couple. Married couples tend to have a better sexual relationship. Your relationship is worth it. Love is contagious. Do not stay on the side-lines. Be the change you wish to see. Re-commit to each other. Share your written vows with one another.

Afterword. Love is the ultimate upstream solution. 1) Healthy Marriages are the Ultimate Upstream Prevention. 2) Healthy Relationships Create Strong Individuals. 3) Couplehood as a Spiritual Path. 4) Marriage isn’t a disease to be treated – it’s the cure. 5) Relationship education must be supported and made available to everyone.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

My brother Jem got injured in a football accident went he was younger. He was 4 years my senior. Atticus was my dad. Simon Finch was my ancestor and he hired slaves in the past. He worked hard to make a living before passing on. It was tradition for the men to continue working on Simon’s land. My dad was admitted to the bar and didn’t continue of farming. He didn’t like criminal law as there was discrimination in terms of treatment of criminals and the justice meted out. John Hale Finch was my dad’s brother. He studied medicine from my dad’s funding. We all lived in a town called Maycomb. It was boring and there nothing to do or see. We had a cook named Calpurnia. I hated her as she liked to complain to Dad about my behaviour. Dad often sided with her too! My mum passed away when I was only two. Dubose and Radley were our neighbours and I didn’t like them. One day, Dill came to us. He introduced himself to me as Charles Baker Harris. Dill started talking to Jem, my brother. Dill was a short guy, even shorter than me. Dill did fit in well with my family and started playing with my brother. Now, he wanted to get Boo Radley out. We all dared not to enter the Radley’s place. Most families were suspicious of the Radley’s and the evil things they were capable of. The Radley’s didn’t interact with others. They didn’t have screen doors nor welcome any visitors. Their son mixed with the wrong crowd and was very rowdy. His son was charged for misbehaving in public. Boo Radley was 33 and was locked in the courthouse basement for acting weird. Mr Radley did much to ensure that Boo was not seen by the public. Apparently, Mr Radley was old and dying. When he passed on, his son took over. Now, Dill was interested in the Radleys and wanted to explore more. Dill dared Jem to go ahead to the Radley’s house. Jem was indeed afraid and cowardly. Jem started off by just touching his house.

Dill left us and I was about to start school. Jem didn’t want me to bother him when he was at school. Miss Caroline Fisher was my school teacher. The teacher didn’t want me learning to read on my own as it would undo her learning capabilities and styles. Now, I was bored in class and starting writing to Dill. My name was Jean Louise. The teacher gave a quarter to Walter even though he lied about why he didn’t bring his lunch to school. Walter’s father was one of Atticus’ clients. The Cunninghams often owed people money and didn’t like to pay. They were country folk and didn’t have money. Therefore, they paid us in food. I was made to stand in a corner when I interrupted Caroline’s teaching. Caroline was pretty to say the least.

Jem invited Walter back for dinner. He boasted that he touched the wall of the Radley’s. Walter was mature in his thinking and conversed with dad over farm produce. Apparently, I remarked something about their family which my cook didn’t like to hear. She was furious about how haughty I spoke. Dad told me to appreciate Cal as she was useful in the house. Little Chuck was a gentleman who was very cool about stuff at school. Another student introduced himself as Burris Ewell. He was a rude guy who didn’t care much about authority. Apparently, the Ewell’s didn’t treat school seriously and only attended whenever they wished. He was a pure meanie. Burris was furious when he left the school, cursing at Caroline when she left. Caroline cried after that. Cal admitted that she missed Jem and I. Now, she was sorry for her actions. Dad explained why I needed to go to school even though the Ewells didn’t. The Ewells didn’t obey the law and didn’t get punished for it. I struck a deal with my dad to be home schooled.

‘First of all, if you can learn a simple trick, Scout, you’ll get along a lot better with all kinds of folks. You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.’ Atticus

I used the Dewey decimal system. I found gum near a tree and started chewing it. Under Jem’s instructions, I spat it out. We found some coins in a hiding spot in a tree. It could have been someone’s hiding spot. Jem and I kept it first and planned to ask other people whether it belonged to them etc. Two days, Dill returned. Dill said he could smell death when he walked past the Radleys. The tyre entered the Radley’s compound and Jem retrieved it. Cal offered us lemonade. I believed Boo Radley was inside the house but could not verify it. We started acting on a script. Atticus caught us playing and was angry. Suddenly, someone in the house was laughing.

Dill was being an asshole and became closer to Jem rather than me. Dill liked to call me a girl. I started getting closer to Miss Maudie. She was a widow and allowed us to play on her lawn. She often baked cakes for us. I was Scout Finch. She admitted that Boo (Arthur) was alive because he wasn’t carried out of the house dead yet. Mr Radley was a foot washing Baptist. He believed that any pleasure was a sin. Such people only stayed at home to read the Bible. Foot-washers also stay at home to avoid women. Maudie knew some stuff about Arthur. My dad was nice and treated the same way as on the streets and behind closed doors. Jem and Dill were planning to leave a note through the window for Boo. The three of us approached Radley’s with a bamboo pole. Suddenly, my dad saw us and we had to pass him the note. He seemed surprised. My dad wanted us to stop bothering him. Then, he left for work.

The three of us visited Mr Avery and we went for a walk. They were planning to spy at the window of the Radley’s house. We went under their high-wire fence. We spat on their gate. Later, we ventured into their backyard. We created a saddle for Dill to reach the window sill. There was a shadow of a man with a hat on. It was extremely eerie. After we left the house, a group of people gathered around the Radley’s compound. Atticus, Nathan Radley, Miss Maudie and Miss Stephanie Crawford was all around. Jem was without his pants. Apparently, Radley shot at a nigger. Dill lied that he stole Jem’s pants in a poker game. In fact, his shorts were left behind at Radley’s house. Now, I was highly suspicious of a sound that was made. Thankfully, Atticus did not stir again in the night and we were safe.

I left Jem alone as he was moody. School started again. His pants were folded across the fence when he tried to retrieve them at the Radleys. They were also being sewed up. Jem was perplexed by the kind gesture. School was sucky to say the least. Someone left things in the knot hole. It was a girl-doll. It actually resembled Jem and I. A few days later, they found a spelling medal. 4 days later, they received a pocket watch. We were planning to write a letter to thank the mysterious person. The next day, we found the knot hole filled with cement. Mr Radley plugged the tree with cement as it was dying. Atticus didn’t suspect anything fishy. Jem stayed in his room and cried.

‘I didn’t know how you were going to do it, but from now on I’ll never worry about what’ll become of you, son, you’ll always have an idea.’ Atticus Finch

Mrs Radley died from natural causes. Suddenly, it started snowing outside. I wanted to build a snowman. Miss Maudie didn’t like the snow one bit. Jem and I collected snow in baskets and soon, we were ready to start. It was a caricature of Mr Avery. Miss Maudie’s house was on fire. Dad told Jem and I to leave the house and wait outside the Radleys while the firemen aimed to put out the fire. Men could be seen pushing the truck. Mr Avery could be seen climbing out of the window. The fire truck started pumping water at our house. They also soaked Miss Stephanie Crawford’s house. Miss Maudie’s house collapsed under the heat. She would stay with Stephanie for the time being. Mr Nathan Radley didn’t hurt us at all. Apparently, in the haste, Mr Nathan offered us a blanket which we accepted. It was Boo Radley who offered a blanket to us. We all missed him and failed to see what he was like!. Miss Maudie was looking for a new place to live.

Atticus defended blacks and Cecil Jacobs teased me at school about it. I was furious. My dad was a criminal lawyer. He was defending a guy named Tom Robinson. The case was postponed and he didn’t want to talk about it. There was a low chance of winning the case. Learn to fight for your friends. At school, I learnt to walk away from a fight. I felt noble that I obeyed my dad. It was Christmas and I hated it. Rose was Uncle Jack’s cat. Uncle Jack didn’t like to hear me curse. Francis was a boring kid and I hated speaking to him. He was my cousin. He started criticizing Dill for being homeless. Dill was a nigger lover and Francis was upset that our family was associated with them. Francis was a bastard who started reporting to Grandma about me. I couldn’t take it and punched him in his face. Now, I went to my dad and we all left the place. I was angry with Uncle Jack at the moment. I concluded that he didn’t understand children much. I just wanted a chance to explain myself. Uncle Jack wanted to discipline Francis for calling my dad a nigger-lover. I overheard Jack and Dad talking about me. His advice to me was that I needed to keep my head sometimes and not flare up. Dad didn’t like to use the harsh tone on me. Dad overheard me in the room and I had to leave.

‘…But do one thing for me if you will: you just hold your head high and keep those fists down. No matter what anybody says to you, don’t you let them get your goat. Try fighting with your head for a change…it’s a good one, even if it resists learning.’ Atticus Finch

‘Why reasonable people go stark raving mad when anything involving a Negro comes up, is something I don’t pretend to understand…I just hope that Jem and Scout come to me for their answers instead of listening to the town. I hope they trust me enough…’Atticus Finch

‘I’d rather you shot at tin cans with your air-rifle in the backyard, but I know you’ll go after birds. Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit them, but remember that it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.’ Atticus Finch

Atticus was feeble and weak now. He did not do adventure stuff and worked in an office. He did not go hunting, play poker or fish. Mockingbirds make music for people to enjoy. Miss Maudie admitted that there was life in Atticus. He was a good lawyer indeed. Atticus could play a Jew’s harp. Jem and I went to hunt for rabbits. We spotted a dog named Tim Johnson. The dog appeared to be sick and couldn’t walk properly. The dog was a bit lopsized in his gait. Cal encouraged every owner to close their doors as the dog was on the loose. The dog was advancing slowly at a snail’s pace. Mr Tate handed Dad his rifle as the dog was in sight. My dad shot him. My dad nailed him in one shot. Zeebo arrived to collect the dead dog. Jem was impressed with the way Atticus handled a rifle. In his younger days, dad was the best marksman in town. Dad didn’t like killing even though he was good at shooting. I started to realize my dad was a real gentleman.

‘If your father’s anything, he’s civilized in his heart. Marksmanship’s a gift from God, a talent – oh, you have to practice to make it perfect, but shooting is different from playing piano and the like. I think maybe he put his gun down when he realized that God had given him an unfair advantage over most living things. I guess he decided he won’t shoot until he had to, and he had to today.’ Miss Maudie

‘People in their right minds never take pride in their talents.’ Miss Maudie

‘Sometimes, we have to make the best of things, and the way we conduct ourselves when the chips are down.’ Atticus Finch

We had to pass Mrs Dubose’s house every day. There was a Negro girl in her house other than Mrs Dubose. She liked to question our whereabouts and we hated her. She was a vicious lady. Despite the fact that we hated her, Atticus treated her with the utmost respect. Jem was furious with her and grabbed a baton, charging at her. Jem messed up her lawn. Dad wanted Jem to go up to her lawn and apologize. It turns out that Mrs Dubose wanted Jem to read to her. Atticus supported her proposal. The room in her house was putrid and oppressive. Her face was awful and I hated the sight of it. The bell rang and Jessie wanted us out. It was time for her medicine. A month was up but Mrs Dubose wanted another week. It was’nt fair. Then one day, Mrs Dubose died. She was actually a morphine addict. It was clear that she wanted company before her death. Jessie and her wanted to pass us a box. It was some kind of drug. Mrs Dubose died beholden to nothing and nobody. My dad thought she was extremely brave.

‘I wanted you to see something about her – I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It’s when you know you’re licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.’ Atticus Finch

‘They’re certainly entitled to think that, and they’re entitled to full respect for their opinions. But before I can live with other folks I’ve got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.’ Atticus Finch

‘I certainly am a nigger-lover. I do my best to love everybody…I’m hard put, sometimes – baby, it’s never an insult to be called what somebody thinks is a bad name. It just shows you how poor that person is, it doesn’t hurt you. So don’t let Mrs Dubose get you down. She has enough troubles of her own.’ Atticus Finch

Now, Jem was 12 and he was increasingly moody. Dill wanted to marry me but he had a new father and had to move away from town. I missed him terribly and all the fun we used to have. Cal invited Jem and I to church. Cal brought us whites to a nigger church and was questioned by a member of the church. It was clear that we were not welcome in a black church. Line for line, we repeated after Zeebo because we had no hymn book for ourselves. Reverend Sykes didn’t want anyone to leave until donation hit $10. The money would be used for helping Tom Robinson. Tom Robinson committed a crime and his wife, Helen, found it difficult to find a job. Ewell accused Tom of raping his girl and got him charged in court. Ewell was a powerful family who had influence over others. Cal didn’t go to school at all. She was a colored woman. Zeebo was Cal’s son. Cal had two different lives and she spoke differently when talking at the church.

Aunt Alexandra came to stay with us. It was apparently good to have a female presence in the house. I didn’t really liked her, to be honest. Soon, she settled in and we got used to it. There was a caste system in Maycomb. Cousin Joshua wrote a book in prison. He was jailed because he tried to shoot the president.

‘Your aunt has asked me to try and impress upon you and Jean Louise that you are not from run-of-the-mill people, that you are the product of several generations’ gentle breeding and that you should try to live up to your name.’ Atticus Finch

Rape was defined by dad as carnal knowledge of a female by force and without consent. Aunt interrupted when I asked whether I could visit Cal’s place someday. I was told to listen to Aunt as well. Aunt was trying to get rid of Cal. Atticus felt otherwise and thought Cal was a good influence on the family and proceedings. I started a childish fight with Jem. It was eventually cut out by dad. We encovered Dill, who was hiding in the room. Dill basically didn’t like his new dad and escaped. Atticus spotted Dill in our house and immediately wanted to offer him some food. Dill fled without letting his mum know about it. From rape to riots to runaways. Dill admitted that his new dad wasn’t mean but didn’t give him any attention at all. Dill admitted that they wanted the family wanted more babies. Bill Radley hasn’t left the house yet.

There were men outside our house, demanding for Atticus to emerge. He had gotten a postponement of the case for a short period of time. Dad denied that that was a mob getting him. He claimed those were our friends. Jem was afraid dad might get hurt. Tom Robinson was now moved to the Maycomb jail. Suddenly, Dad drove off late one night. He liked to walk usually. The three of us sneaked out at night and went to investigate. Dad wasn’t at his office. We walked outside the Maycomb jail. It was a hideous place indeed. 4 dusty cars approached the jail and saw Atticus expecting them. We wanted to be discreet about it. I was scared and ran directly to dad. Dad was extremely surprised by that action. All the men wanted us out of there immediately. Mr Cunningham was a guy in the crowd. However, he didn’t respond when I tried talking to him. Later, the men left after a while.

‘But son, you’ll understand folks a little better when you’re older. A mob’s always made up of people, no matter what. Mr Cunningham was part of a mob last night, but he was still a man.’ Atticus Finch

Cal realized that the children escaped in the night to look for Atticus and was disappointed with that. Atticus admitted that Cunningham was a friend but had some blind spots. Jem and I saved Dad actually. Humans can always be stopped. Dad didn’t want us bearing grudges against anyone. Dad didn’t want us downtown to watch the trial. Miss Maudie didn’t want to go to court. Miss Stephanie, on the other hand, was keen on going. Mr Dolphus was a white guy who liked to hang out with black people. He had a kid which was half white-black and he shipped him away. Ever since, he turned to alcohol most of the time. It was awful. Jem and Dill and I smuggled into the courtroom. People were not happy that Atticus was a nigger lover. The court appointed Atticus to defend him. Atticus aimed to defend him. As there were no seats in the white balcony, we sat in the black balcony. Judge would be Mr Taylor. Mrs Taylor was allowed to smoke in the court.

Mr Heck Tate was testifying. He was dressed in a proper manner. Bob Ewell called Tate that night and Tate went over to his place, to see his daughter hurt. Atticus asked why didn’t he call a doctor or seek treatment for his daughter. Atticus asked Tate about her bruises and the details of those bruises. According to Tate, Mayella was hit mostly on the right side of her face. Tate was the Sheriff. Now, Robert E. Lee Ewell took the stand. Mr Gilmer represented the Ewell’s family. Atticus never lost his voice in court before. He was the father of Mayella Ewell. He claimed that he heard her daughter screaming from outside the house. He also claimed that as he approached the house, he saw Tom Robinson trying to escape. Reverend Sykes wanted Dill and I to head home as we were too young at that time. Everyone looked at Mr Ewell, looking for a false move. Ewell tried to explain his actions to the jury. It was Atticus’ time to ask questions. Atticus found it strange that Ewell didn’t seek medical attention immediately. Mr Ewell sided with Tate and agreed with his description of Mayella’s injuries. Atticus asked whether Ewell could read and write. Atticus wanted him to write on a piece of paper for all to see. After writing, it was clear that Ewell was left handed. Atticus was trying to suspect Ewell of doing it.

The victim was now called to the stand and testify. She started sobbing. Mayella was 19.5 yrs old. She started recounting her experience to the jury. Atticus sometimes asked questions that she had previously revealed answers to. He just wanted to double confirm. He was trying to build up a picture of their home life. Now, he asked whether Mr Ewell was good to her. It was known that Mr Ewell had a drinking problem. She claimed he never touched her. It was the first time that Mayella asked Robinson to enter their premises to do odd jobs. Now, Atticus asked her whether she was beaten in her face. Mayella was unsure and didn’t give a steady answer. She often cried in the jury. Tom Robinson was crippled and his one arm was much shorter than another. Atticus now asked why didn’t she run or why didn’t she scream when the other children could help her etc. Mayella was not answering any of the questions now. Her face was a mixture of terror and fury. Now, she refused to answer questions and cried again. The aim was to complete it this afternoon. Atticus had only 1 witness to bring.

Tom now took the witness chair. He revealed that he had been to her place many times to run odd jobs without pay and the children were often there to see them. It also wasn’t the first time that they spoke to each other. It struck me that Mayella was a lonely girl without any friends. That night, Mr Ewell admitted that the children were all away. Later, Mayella kissed and hugged Tom. Then Mr Ewell could be heard shouting ‘You goddamn whore, I’ll kill ya!’ Tom pushed her slightly as she was blocking the door. After that, Tom admitted that he fled and never looked back. He didn’t admit to rapping or hurting her. Mr Link Deas admitted that Tom was a good man. The judge ordered him to leave the room. Tom was now subjected to questions by the lawyer. There were some inconsistencies in Tom’s answers. Dill was upset by the way Tom was cross-examined and left the room crying. Atticus behaved the same way in his private life as in his work life. Dill respected his approach of questioning more.

‘It ain’t honest but it’s mighty helpful to folks. Secretly, Miss Finch, I’m not much of a drinker, but you see they could never, never understand that I live like I do because that’s the way I want to live.’ Dolphus Raymond

Mr Dolphus Raymond came by and offered Dill a drink. We thought he was trying to poison us. He liked to give others the impression that he was always drinking whisky. He had mixed children. After Dill was alright, we headed back to the courthouse. Atticus now removed his coat. He said this case was black and white and very simple. He mentioned that the defendant was not guilty. The victim had to destroy the evidence of her offense of kissing a black man. The witnesses often went with the assumption that all Negroes lie, that all Negroes are basically immoral beings, that all Negro men are not to be trusted around women etc.

‘She was white, and she tempted a Negro. She did something that in our society is unspeakable: she kissed a black man. Not an old Uncle, but a strong young Negro man. No code mattered to her before she broke it, but it came crashing down on her afterwards.’ Atticus Finch

‘You know the truth, and the truth is this: some Negroes lie, some Negroes are immoral, some Negro men are not to be trusted around women – black or white. But that is a truth that applies to the human race and to no particular race of men. There is not a person in this courtroom who has never told a lie, who has never done an immoral thing, and there is no man living who has never looked upon a woman without desire.’ Atticus Finch

‘…Thomas Jefferson once said that all men are created equal…We know that all men are not created equal in the sense that some people would have us believe – some people are smarter than others, some people have more opportunity because they’re born with it, some men make more money than others, some ladies make better cakes than others – some people are born gifted beyond the normal scope of most men.’ Atticus Finch

‘Our courts have their faults, as does every human institution, but in this country our courts are the greatest levellers, and in our courts all men are created equal.’ Atticus Finch

Cal was walking up to Atticus in the middle of the courtroom. Atticus realized that we were in the courtroom and ordered us to go home before the verdict. Cal was angry that we were exposed to legal drama as we were too young. The courtroom was still as the jury went about their business. I was ordered to stand up.

The defendant was found to be guilty and we were all upset. Everything wasn’t right at all. There would be an appeal. Tom Robinson’s dad bought food for their family. It was obvious that his family appreciated Atticus’ help. Atticus was in tears and thanked them. Judge Taylor appointed Atticus to defend Tom. It was not an accident. In their time, colored folks never won against the white folks in court. Atticus managed to make the jury deliberate for so long. It was a baby step forward. Bob Ewell spat in my dad’s face and told him he’ll get him if it took the rest of his life.

‘I simply want to tell you that there are some men in this world who were born to do unpleasant jobs for us. Your father’s one of them.’ Miss Maudie

‘I know, and lots of them probably deserve it, too – but in the absence of eye witnesses there’s always a doubt, sometimes only the shadow of a doubt. The law says reasonable doubt. But I think a defendant’s entitled to the shadow of a doubt. There’s always the possibility, no matter how improbable, that he’s innocent.’ Atticus Finch

‘As you grow older, you’ll see white men cheat black men every day of your life, but let me tell you something and don’t you forget it – whenever a white man does that to a black man, no matter who he is, how rich he is, or how fine a family he comes from, that white man is trash.’ Atticus Finch

‘You’ve many more miles to go, son. A jury’s vote supposed to be secret. Serving on a jury forces a man to make up his mind and declare himself about something. Men don’t like to do that. Sometimes it’s unpleasant.’ Atticus Finch

Bob Ewell threatened to kill Dad. Atticus didn’t react to those insults and just remained calm. My dad didn’t carry a gun to protect himself. Atticus was not afraid and was grateful that Bob Ewell didn’t take it out on other children. He was unbelievably calm after being spat upon. In Alabama, rape was an offence will was punished by hanging. It was awful. Jem was angry by the fact that Tom was charged despite his innocence. It takes ages for law to be changed. In their world, the white man always wins. That was an ugly truth. At that time, women couldn’t serve on juries. Atticus suspected that the Cunninghams (on the jury) might have sided with the Finches. I wanted to invite Walter Cunningham over but Cal didn’t allow it because he was trash. We now guessed that Boo Radley didn’t want to come out because he wanted to stay inside.

‘There’s 4 kinds of folks in the world. There’s the ordinary kind like us and the neighbors, there’s the kind like the Cunninghams out in the woods, the kind like the Ewells down in the dumps, and the Negroes.’ Jem

‘That’s what I thought too when I was your age. If there’s one kind of folks, why can’t they get along with each other? If they’re all alike, why do they go out of their way to despise each other?’ Jem

I joined the ladies for refreshments. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Miss Maudie chided me for not wearing dresses. Atticus was back and his face was white. Dad wanted Cal to go with him to Helen Robinson’s house. Tom was dead. He was shot in prison for trying to escape. Helen needed to be comforted. It was a waste as Atticus felt like there was a chance to win the case. Aunt Alexandra and Maudie were visibly upset. The town was giving a tribute to people like Atticus who were just.

A roly poly entered the house. He didn’t like the fact that I wanted to kill it because it hadn’t done anything to me. Helen was devastated. The Ewells hollered at Atticus. It was assumed that Tom had no plan and no long term jobs, just to escape. Underwood likened his death to the death of a mockingbird, a bird who sang to entertain. Tom was a ‘dead’ man the moment Mayella Ewell screamed. Mr Ewell was still very angry and everyone had to be careful.

School started and we had to walk past the Radley’s again. We still never saw Boo. I was studying current affairs in school. We covered the Jews and the WWII and I began to reflect on the sufferings of the Jews. It’s not okay to hate anyone, including Hitler. Jem was furious when I mentioned about the courthouse. I cried after being scolded. It wasn’t right to hate Hitler and his mistreatment of the Jews and then condone discrimination against the blacks at home.

Bob Ewell lost his job in a matter of days. He was fired for being lazy. He accused Atticus for the loss of his job. Judge Taylor was also spooked and stalked at his home. The third thing happened to Helen Robinson. Tom’s ex-employer gave her a job because they felt bad. Mr Ewell approached Tom’s ex-employer, Mr Link Deas and they got into an argument. Mr Ewell seemed to bear a permanent grudge with another associated with the case. Atticus understood that and hoped Mr Ewell would change after a while. Life gradually returned to normalcy. I was needed in some local play.

Now, we were in front of the Radley’s. It was pitch dark when someone leapt at Jem and I. Cecil Jacobs appeared and he scared us. We were all preparing to go for the pageant. We visited the House of Horrors to entertain ourselves. Jem and I were walking back after the play when he heard something. We were sure it was Cecil that was following us. The plan was to quickly head on the road where there would be light. Now Jem screamed and shouted ‘run’. There was a man who rescued me but I didn’t know who it was. A guy carried Jem and one could tell his arm was hurt. We called the sheriff and the doctor. The sheriff tried his best to locate the culprit. Thankfully, Jem was only unconscious, but not dead. Jem’s elbow had been dislocated. Bob Ewell was found with a kitchen knife stuck under his ribs. He was dead.

Bob Ewell was indeed dead. Atticus seemed a little troubled with that. I recounted the story with Mr Tate. It was the costume that saved me. There were puncture marks in the costume after Mr Tate examined it. Atticus couldn’t believe that Bob could behave that way. Bob didn’t have courage to confront Atticus but attacked his children. Mr Ewell was trying to pin me down when someone else shoved him aside. I pointed to a guy in the room whose face was white. It was Boo Radley who saved me.

Boo was afraid of strong light. Atticus at first thought that Jem killed Ewell in self-defence. However, the sheriff didn’t seem to think so. Dad wanted the full truth and didn’t want to favour his son and ruin his reputation in future for getting away with a crime. Tate thought that Ewell fell on a knife and killed himself. Both of them were equally stubborn. Atticus admitted that he was all Jem and I got. He wanted to continue to look his son in the eye, knowing that he didn’t lie. He wanted his children to trust him. Tate tried to explain the situation of how he killed herself. He didn’t think that Jem had the strength to drive a knife into Ewell. Tate repeated again that Ewell killed himself and he drove away. Atticus dropped by Boo’s house and thanked him.

‘I can’t live one way in town and another way in my home.’ Atticus Finch

‘There’s a black boy dead for no reason, and the man responsible for it’s dead. Let the dead bury the dead this time, Mr Finch. Let the dead bury the dead.’ Tate

Boo visited Jem at the hospital and I touched his hand. Boo touched Jem’s hair as he was asleep. As per his request, I did send him home. I felt that I needed to repay his kindness. Atticus was reading a story to Jem when he was asleep at home. Most people are nice, when you finally see them. Atticus accompanied Jem the entire night.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey

Stephen Covey wanted to learn from someone 25 years his junior. He didn’t create the principles but put together them for others. This book was created after 30 years of research. The book focuses on timeless principles and about character-building. The book contains many anecdotes and stories as well. Leadership is all about character. Bill Gates was a very proactive person. This book is more on achieving great personal effectiveness. Have a life purpose that is beyond yourself. When you read it, you can feel the book speaking back to you.

He did save a man who appeared to be drowning. He had 9 children. Steven (His dad) passed away in July 2012. His plan was to unleash human potential in a big way. He was a man of great integrity. Later, he met many of the heads of state. He didn’t believe in being a hypocrite. Short naps were his thing and his way of recharging. The only lasting way of success is to live by your timeless principles. He wanted us to serve others to attain true happiness. The principles are still very useful today.

Life is a lot more complex as compared to when it was published in 1989. They will continue to be relevant years ahead. Fear and insecurity are common problems. Blame and victimism are others. The feeling of hopelessness sucks. Lack of life balance is a real problem. Keep thinking about yourself only. People are hungry to be understood. They do not listen well. Conflict and differences arise. Learn to develop personal mission statements. Apply what you have learned. Try to inculcate it in your daily lives.

Sometimes, professional success might affect your personal life. You can’t keep to a diet properly. Problems can be deep and can be difficult to solve. Our son was doing poorly at school and was also bullied at school. We tried giving rewards when he did something well. Learn to change yourself before changing others. A lot of the past literature on self-improvement focused on the superficial stuff. Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography is about his character ethic. People can only achieve happiness if they integrate principles into their basic character. Now, it is the personality ethic. Character took a backseat for a while. The key is to learn to focus on yourself instead. See everyone in their own unique space and respect their inner selves. Sometimes, you just have to accept yourself for who you are. Character traits are first, personality traits are second. If you try to use tactics on others to motivate them but if you have a flawed character, it is difficult to be successful. Your true motives will be revealed sooner or later. There are also situations where people have character strength but lack communication skills. The 7 habits are all primary principles. A paradigm is a theory of something else. The accuracy of your character is more important than your attitude or diligence. Our mental map must be correct. ‘Two people can see the same thing, disagree, and yet both be right. It’s not logical; it’s psychological.’ Conditioning affects our perceptions. It is difficult to be truly objective as we are always seeing things from where we are. There are paradigm shifts whenever someone creates a new theory. Sometimes, people are a little weird because of how they were brought up or the circumstances that happened before the event. To change your life in a drastic way, you need to work on the basic paradigms. Work on the roots of the problem. Learn to see things from the other person’s angle. Paradigms affect how we see the world. Principles are like lighthouse. Fairness is one of the main principles. Integrity and honesty are principles, so is human dignity. Service, excellence, potential are all other principles. Growth is another. So is patience, nurturance, and encouragement. Principles are not values and they are guidelines for human behavior. It takes time. There are no shortcuts sometimes. It is possible to put on a false front for a stranger. Borrowed strength can’t last forever. The Way We See the Problem is the Problem. Don’t seek quick fixes. A new level of thinking is required. Change yourself before trying to change others. Think inside out.

Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil – the silent, unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be. – William George Jordan

Our level of development is fairly obvious with tennis or piano playing, where it is impossible to pretend. But it is not so obvious in the areas of character and emotional development. – Stephen Covey

The 7 Habits – An Overview. ‘Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character, reap a destiny.’ Habits are super powerful. It is always most difficult in the beginning. Habit is the intersection of knowledge, skill and desire. Move from dependence to independence and interdependence. Interdependence is the higher state for humans. The first 3 chapters are on private victories. Habit 7 is about continual growth. They are all habits of effectiveness. Effectiveness is measured by production and production capability. There are 3 types of assets: physical, financial and human. You need to respect both P and PC. It is very important. The PC principle for companies is to always treat your employees exactly as you want them to treat your best customers. Golden eggs = short-term solution. Read the book with the aim of sharing it with others. If you share with others, you will improve too.

Habits are like a cable. We weave a strand of it every day and soon it cannot be broken. – Horace Mann

Habit 1: Be Proactive. We are self-aware and conscious of our thought process. We are not our feelings. There are 3 types of determinism. The first is genetic determinism, the second is psychic determination (parents), the last is environmental determinism. A stimulus leads to a response. The author shares a story about Viktor Frankl. No one can take away your basic identity and how an event will affect you. He helped others find meaning in their suffering and dignity. ‘Between stimulus and response, man has the freedom to choose.’ Man’s capacity is unlimited. The habit of proactivity now arises. Do not blame circumstances and conditions. The proactive model consists of ‘self-awareness, imagination, conscience and independent will.’ Reactive people are affected by social and physical environment. They build their lives around emotions. Proactive people are driven by values. No one has the power to hurt you unless you give them consent. There are 3 central values in life: 1) experiential; 2) creative; 3) attitudinal. Act or be acted upon. It makes a heck lot of difference between someone who is proactive and not proactive. Develop your proactive muscles. Ask yourself what can you do about it? How can you respond? Proactivity is also being realistic. Listen to our language. Being proactive is to transfer the responsibility to yourself. If you are reactive, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Love is a verb, not a feeling. Love is something you do and give. Create a ‘Circle of Concern’ to see whether things are in your control or outside your control. Channel your energies only on those things which you can control. Circle of Influence is within the Circle of Concern. Negative energy reduces the circle of influence. Direct control means working on your habits. Indirect control means changing our methods of influence. Learn to live with your problems even though you don’t like them. Expand the circle of influence. Proactive people aren’t pushy, rather, they are smart and value driven. The circle of concern is filled with ‘the have’s’…If I had this…. The circle on influence can be filled with ‘be’…I can be…. Learn to be different and say I can be more diligent, more creative. Happiness is the proactive choice. Think about consequences and mistakes. Acknowledge and learn from your mistakes. Do not deceive yourself. Keep commitments and promises is a manifestation of our proactivity. Make small commitments, keep them and follow through. Do the 30 day test. We are responsible to the bulk of life’s circumstances.

I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor. – Henry David Thoreau

Proactivity means that as human beings, we are responsible for our lives. Our behavior is a function of our decisions, not our conditions. We can subordinate feelings to values. We have the initiative and the responsibility to make things happen. – Stephen Covey

Many people wait for something to happen or someone to take care of them. But people who end up with the good jobs are the proactive ones who are solutions to problems, not problems themselves, who seize the initiative to do whatever is necessary, consistent with correct principles, to get the job done. – Stephen Covey

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind. Imagine yourself at your funeral. What would you like your speakers to say about you? Use the end of your life as the frame of reference. So you should only do the things that matter. Have a clear understanding of your destination. Know what is deeply important to you. All things are created twice. One is the mental creation, the other is the physical creation. First creations are by conscious design. The second design is either by us or by other people’s agendas or circumstances. Habit 2 is the first creation, Habit 1 is the fact that you are the creator. Check to see if you’re in the wrong jungle first. You must use your effort in the right jungle. Managers should venture into leadership, not just management. Learn to rescript yourself. The real victory is the one over yourself. Re-write your own script based on principles and values. Develop a personal mission statement that contains character, contributions, achievements, values and principles. It will be like the United States Constitution. Logotherapy helps man detect his unique meaning, his mission in life. With this mission comes proactivity. Your centre is surrounded by wisdom, power, guidance and security. Spouse centeredness is not good. Family centeredness as well. Money centeredness is another problem. Work centeredness, possession centeredness, pleasure centeredness. Pleasure offers no deep, lasting satisfaction or sense of fulfillment. Don’t get caught on the hedonic treadmill. Friend centeredness is succumbing to peer pressure. If you hate someone, don’t let him/her get into your thoughts. Church Centeredness can be a real issue. Self-centeredness is being selfish. How to identify your center? Do not fluctuate from one center to another. Principles don’t change. They are bigger than people or circumstances. We can’t choose the consequences to our principles. However, they are generally positive consequences. A principled person will act without emotion, take a step back, come up with alternatives, and take all factors into consideration. Habit 1 ‘You are the programmer’; Habit 2 ‘Write the program’. It takes you time to write a mission statement. Learn to use your whole brain. Develop both sides of your brain. Nowadays, we find it difficult to tap into our right brain. Learn to tap on it. You can create your own paradigms through imagination. The dominant of their activities is love. Use visualization and affirmation. Write the affirmation and visualize it. Identifying roles and goals. Writing helps integrate the conscious and subconscious minds. Goals must be an extension of your mission statement. Focus on results rather than activity. It should be specific and translate into activity. Families should have shared visions and values. Put the mission statement up on the wall. Review those goals twice a year. Everyone should participate in the mission statement for organizations. The problem is when the individual’s values are not aligned to the organization’s.

It means to be responsible for my own first creation, to rescript myself so that the paradigms from which my behavior and attitude flow are congruent with my deepest values and in harmony with correct principles. – Stephen Covey

Habit 3: Put First Things First. ‘Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.’ Goethe. Answer these 2 questions: 1) What one thing could you do that, if you did it on a regular basis, would make a tremendous positive difference in your personal life? 2) What one thing in your business or professional life would bring similar results? Habit 3 is the physical creation whereas Habit 2 is based on imagination and conscience. Habit 3 is about effective self-management. Independent will is extremely important. It is the ability to make decisions and choices. Have the discipline to carry it out. What makes successful people so is that they put the important things first and have the discipline to do them. Organize and execute around priorities. Compare the activities with your goals. Make a plan to achieve those goals. Instead of managing time, manage yourself. Maintain the P/PC balance. They are often 4 kinds of tasks: Urgent and Important, Not urgent and important, Urgent and not important, not urgent and not important. Urgent and Important tasks might lead to stress, burnout etc. Make sure the task is important to yourself and not how others view them. Quadrant 2: Not Urgent but Important is the one that you should focus on. This includes writing a mission statement etc. Keep the quadrant 1 small. Focus on quadrant 2 instead. Quadrant 2 is about building relationships. Ask yourself what lies in quadrant 2 and your effectiveness will improve. You need to say ‘no’ to some of the stuff in quadrant 3 and 4. Decide what your true priorities should be. You must have a mission statement and principle guided life. Don’t just check off to do lists and think that you are effective. Your organizer will need these 6 criteria: Coherence with vision and mission; Balance (so that family, personal development, health are not neglected); Quadrant 2 (organize your life on a weekly basis); Have a people dimension; flexibility; portability. Learn to identify roles (like family member, individual etc). Select some goals. Write down what must be done in the week. Learn to schedule time for those tasks. Habit 3 says ‘Live the program’. Consider yourself in terms of effectiveness. The Quadrant 2 management system is principle-centred and conscience directed. Sometimes, you need to practice effective delegation. Delegation involves other people. If you spend one hour of input, you can potentially get a lot more output through delegation. Don’t simply tell people to do this, do that. The better form of delegation is stewardship delegation. It focuses on results instead of methods. The following need to be established: desired results; guidelines; resources; accountability; consequences. Trust is the highest form of human motivation but it takes time to build. Empowering others is good but it needs time.

If your priorities grow out of a principle center and a personal mission, if they are deeply planted in your heart and in your mind, you will see Quadrant II as a natural, exciting place to invest your time. – Stephen Covey

Paradigms of Interdependence. You can’t take shortcuts in the private victory. Sometimes, problems need time to be solved. Your actions should flow from your natural character. Interdependence opens up more opportunities for us. Caring for relationships is one of the keys to success. Emotional bank account is one that describes the trust level in a relationship. When the trust account is very high, communication is much easier. If it is low, you will start doubting yourself. We can use P/PC as a guide. You need to invest in relationships. Make sure the deposits exceed the withdrawals. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is to listen. Building and repairing relationships take time. There are 6 major forms of deposits: 1) Understanding the Individual (Understand things from his point of view); 2) Keeping commitments; 3) Clarifying Expectations; 4) Showing Personal Integrity; 5) Apologizing sincerely when you make a withdrawal; 6) The Laws of Love and the Laws of Life.  ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.’ Attend to the little things in a relationship. Even a simple act like putting a coat around someone would be highly valued. People are very tender inside. Unclear expectations will lead to misunderstanding, disappointment, and withdrawals of trust. Do not violate the basic expectations. Make it clear and explicit at the beginning. Integrity is conforming reality to our words. ‘Be loyal to those who are not present.’ It is very important for people to trust you. Sincere apologies make deposits. Renounce conditional love.

Some people say that you have to like yourself before you can like others. I think that idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself. – Stephen Covey

Habit 4: Think ‘Win-Win’. If you create a win-lose situation for managers, people are going to leave. You don’t expect people to co-operate if they are in competition with one another. Win-Win is the philosophy of human interaction. There are 6 types of paradigms: 1) Win/Win; 2) Win/Lose; 3) Lose/Win; 4) Lose/Lose; 5) Win; 6) Win/Win or No Deal. It is a frame of mind and heart. Life is a co-operation. Win/Lose people use power to get what they want. For instance, don’t compare one child to another. Your child may be programmed to a win/lose mentality and may compete with siblings. Life is not a zero-sum game. Life is very independent in nature. Lose/Win is when someone has given up and lowered expectations. They are easy to please and hide their feelings. This is weak and chaotic. If both parties are damn stubborn, it could be lose-lose. Sometimes you want your enemy to fall, but unknowingly you fall yourself. Or you can just Win. Win/Lose could become Lose/Lose in the long run. Make sure it is win/win. Do not be confused. If you feel it’s a lose/lose, say no deal. Only go for win/win. Do not settle for less than win/win or your relationship might be affected. It is best established at the beginning of an enterprise. There are 5 dimensions of win/win. It starts with character and then moves into relationships and then to agreements. Character is the foundation of everything. The first one is integrity; the second one is maturity (courage and consideration); Abundance Mentality (plenty out there for everyone). You have to nice and tough to get win/win. The second dimension is relationships and that the emotional bank account be full. We will learn to be open and respect each other. If the emotional bank account is full, then sometimes it’s okay not to go for win-win too. The third dimension is agreements. State the desired results, guidelines, resources, accountability, consequences. Win/Win Management Training. Use learned controlled instruction. Focus on results and not methods. Let people evaluate themselves. Let people choose their own results sometimes. Managers can control 4 consequences: Financial, Psychic, Opportunity, Responsibility. The reward system must also be win/win and aligned to that. Let individuals select self-selected performance objectives. Separate the person from the problem, focus on interests and not on positions, invent options for mutual gain, insist on objective criteria. See things from the other point of view, identify the key issues etc.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood. We often don’t diagnose before we prescribe in communication. We think good advice is enough. Habit 5 is the key to effective interpersonal communication. Reading, writing, speaking and listening are the basics. Some people lack the listening skills. It has to seem natural too, not forced. Influence through your actual conduct. Seek to understand the other person first. Technique is not good enough, you need to engage in empathic listening. Most people listen with filters in their head or they are already intending to speak. Everyone wants to be understood. The highest form of listening is empathic listening. It is skill-based. Listen with intent to understand first and imagine yourself in their frame of reference. 60% of communication is from the body language. You’re basically inside the other person’s heart and head. Empathic listening is a tremendous deposit in the emotional bank account. Give people that psychological air. It can help you win deals if you’re in the sales line too. Always diagnose before you prescribe. A salesperson must understand the customers’ needs etc. All professionals need empathic listening in their jobs. Do not pass judgment fist. Evaluate, Probe, Advise or Interpret. Constant probing might not help. Mimicking content is one of the first ways to go about it. Rephrasing the content is slightly better. Reflect feeling. Rephrase the content and reflect feelings. Listening and understanding can lead to a big difference. If the conversation is logical, you can ask questions and give advice. But if the conversation is emotional, you need to practice empathic listening. Often, people know the solution to their own problems. They just want someone else to listen. People will open up to good listeners. Learn to understand perception. Ethos is your personal credibility. Pathos is your empathic side. Logos is your logical side. Ethos, Pathos and Logos, in that order.

Habit 6: Synergize. All the other habits prepare us for this habit. It is essential for principle-centered leadership. Find new possibilities and opportunities. Apply the principles of creative cooperation. Recognize that everyone is different. Open your mind and heart to new possibilities. You do not know what will happen but you have this sense of excitement. People like being in a spirit of trust and safety. Producing something meaningful was important. Everyone needs to be mature as well. Everyone should become very open and understanding. It is exciting. If a group of people are very closely bonded, synergy develops and things happen. Synergistic communication is when trust and co-operation levels are both high. 1+1 may be more than 8. The people in the group will enjoy the creative process. A high emotional bank account leads to high trust and open communication. Do not try and manipulate as synergy doesn’t thrive in that environment. Sometimes, differences are good as it forces the other person to see another point of view. Internalize your principles. Gain access to both sides of your brain. Valuing the differences is the key in a relationship. See people as they are. Everyone has different perceptions. Value the point of view of others. Force Field Analysis is where driving forces meet restraining forces. A legal process should be the last resort. All of nature is synergistic. It is the correct principle which unifies things. Look for the good in others and learn to affirm them.

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw (Principles of Balanced Self-Renewal). Sharpen the saw to go faster. It is the PC. There are 4 dimensions: Physical; Mental; Social/Emotional and Spiritual. Most theories embrace these 4 dimensions. Invest in yourselves. Care for our physical bodies and exercise. It should fall in Quadrant 2. Exercise only takes up a bit of time. You can exercise at home and learn to build endurance, flexibility and strength. Endurance comes from aerobic exercise. Know your maximum heart rate, 220 – age. Flexibility comes through stretching. Build strength from muscle resistance. The benefits of exercise comes at the very end. Build patience. People tend to overdo exercise if they haven’t been doing it for a while. Stick very closely to your schedule and don’t deviate from it. Develop your habit 1 muscles of proactivity. Immersion into literature can provide spiritual renewal. Be like how you were like when you were a child. Listen to your surroundings. Examine your motives. Prayer is a form of releasing energy. Learn to meditate. A personal mission statement is very important. After school, most people don’t think enough. TV can subtly change our way of thinking. Limit the number of hours you watch tv. Educational is vital for mental renewal. It is important to read broadly. For example, one can read good literature. ‘The person who doesn’t read is no better off than the person who can’t read.’ Writing is another way to sharpen the mental saw. Spend one hour building habits 1, 2 and 3. The social and emotional elements are in habits 4, 5 and 6. Be emotional secure. You can only be intrinsically secure if your daily habits reflect our deepest values. There is value in serving others and contributing in a meaningful way. Negative synergy will be created if an organization is only concerned about money. A job needs all 4 aspects to thrive. Learn, Do, Commit and keep repeating the cycle.

A long, healthy and happy life is the result of making contributions, of having meaningful projects that are personally exciting and contribute to and bless the lives of others. – Dr. Hans Selye

This is the true joy in life – that being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. That being a force of nature, instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. – George Bernard Shaw

You cannot play with the animal in you without becoming wholly animal, play with falsehood without forgetting your right to truth, play with cruelty without losing your sensitivity of mind. He who wants to keep his garden tidy doesn’t reserve a plot for weeds. – Dag Kammarsjjold

As long as you feel you are serving others in your profession, you do the job well. When you are concerned only with helping yourself, you do it less well – a law as inexorable as gravity. – Arthur Gordon

The first rule with my family is not to prove but to empathize. If there was too much pain, we would quit for the day. Talk through your problems. The key to love is to keep talking. Work on the essential paradigms of conversations. It is important to have a strong intergenerational family. Change must be done at the root of the problem. Strive to achieve unity with your associates. Centre your life around the correct principles. Start with inside out, the private victories first.

My contemplation of life and human nature in that secluded place had taught me that he who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress. – Anwar Sadat